Lost

[Accadia]

This will be something of a ramble but nonetheless perhaps writing it all will give some sense of relief..

For roughly 15yrs I struggled with addiction, primarily heroin, and pain medications.. I also spent time at an psychiatric inpatient facility on 3 occasions, I still to this day struggle with pain medication in the sense that I fear if they were to stop then my quality of life would severely diminish and also there is the whole withdrawal fear that by this point is engrained into my subconscious.

I got clean when I was bout 32 and I am now 45. During that time, I met a girl, we ended up getting married and having 2 children who I absolutely adore. I got back into the work I use to do before my life fell apart.. things overall were good. We had been married 9yrs.

We separated roughly a month ago, though things were rocky for bout a couple years before. My wife came out as being gay and we decided basically to end it, as I was tired of wondering if there was any love and she wanted to move on or something similar.

I simply don't know what to do.. I mean all.the emotional stuff is there.. but it feels like my life is just doomed. I have struggled so hard to scrape through life, and to be a good person, husband and father... For what? To basically end up in the same position as before minus the drugs?

I just ... Have nothing left. I'm not even sure I'm depressed. I largely feel nothing, almost like mind finds it all so traumatic it just switched it off.. It has been a long time since I felt like relapse, but I just don't care about myself or anyone except our 2 kids, who have mild special needs. It's getting harder though to 'do it for them' 

This is probably in the wrong section.. there is so much randomness though that none really felt correct.

If you made it this far thank you

[RiverSeal]

Hey @Accadia, thanks for sharing your experiences with the community!

It sounds really tough breaking up with your partner and seprating the family. It's heartwarming though to hear how much your children mean to you. Relationship breakups are very challenging and I have had a few myself so can relate.

I'm not sure if you have had the opportunity to talk with someone who gets it but we have a program here at SANE you might be interested in if you think it will be beneficial. We understand this isn't always suitable for people so you can check out the Guided Service here - Welcome to SANE’s Guided Recovery and decide if you want to pursue it.

Whenever you are ready, you can chat to SANE’s mental health support workers who can assist with a referral, simply call 1800 187 263 or chat on the webchat at sane.org and let them know that you were referred from forums. They can help you with questions and check things like whether you have enrolled before or not. They're available 10am – 8pm Mon-Fri.

I encourage you to continue to reach out the the community as I beleive they will have some insights to share too!

Take care

RiverSeal 

[REDLINEZ750]

@Accadia Please know that your feelings that are heavy now are very real.

man you havent lost everything while you have your sobriety,and kids love relapse will not help anything. 

ADIS are good to vent to on phone and choice is there to remain anonymous.

not telling you what to do at all i relapsed once after 8yrs and the 6 yrs turned to dust.

wish you the strength to hold the source of self pride  that is hard earned  no one can take from you unless its given.

hope your ok

[Accadia]

Hey there,

Thanks for the words of support, I do appreciate it.

To be honest though my mind just can't see it. It's the same old 'stay positive', 'you have come so far' .. which I know is actually true, but yet still ended up suffering anyways.

I'm not running down what you said because even just taking the time to respond means something.I am probably just not ready to hear it I guess.

Ty though for the kind words and good luck on your journey 

[REDLINEZ750]

hey @Accadia  hey  suffering doesnt stop  by jumping back on a habit.

tekmporarily we tell ourselves it does 

can even go down the path of believing if this didnt happen or if that didnt do whatever 

theres miles of ways to make a bad choice justified and might get a few weeks maybe months  until we are required to drop all yhat and see where are at and the very thing we told ourselves was necessary becomes the suffering we said it stopped.;

sorry i say it from a kind place 

the words themselves i hoped would read real , providing truth  of relapse. 

yeah you have come a long way and you know that and should be proud.

dont believe the voice of reason that whispers just once noone will know because you will and guilt thrives in a mind thats suffering already

dont know you mate i stood where your standing

 if  you can find the strength to stay on the straught road from my  mistake stepping off it   could save you  years of regret stigma and judgement .

your not as on your own as it feels.

wishing  the best for you

@moderator this ok i just want help?

[Accadia]

Hey man,

I hear ya. You make good sense in your original post. I didn't mean to offend or disregard your info if I did I apologise.

I was more referring to the words having a hollow feeling in regards to when people say how far you've come etc. because that's what they're going to say right... No one worth their salt is going to tell you anything less in most cases.. that's all.

In terms of relapse you're spot on. One mistake can equal years of regret 

Thanks again