Family trauma

[Anonymously86]

• Hi all, first time poster. I guess if anything writing my story might, be a kind of therapy. This is a long post, sorry in advance, If you are reading  this thank you. Been feeling depressed lately, I often feel like I just want to cry. I feel so isolated. I have 2 very young kids, I have a good husband. But I have no friends, I moved to an area to be closer to be my sister, but the opposite happened. She developed pretty severe mental health issues and was back and forth in hospital. In that time she disconnected herself from everyone. I tried for years to be supportive, constantly send her messages and jokes and tried to catch up with her whenever she was up for it. In the end I am just tired of pushing it, you can't give from an empty bucket and I am running on empty. Both my parents are narcissist, my mum has been absolutely horrible. I blame her for my relationship with my sister being this bad. Because for years she would invite my sister to my family home or she would go to my sister's and I am not invited. Family gatherings don't happen, we don't even celebrate birthdays as a family anymore, and to be excluded every time they get together. I finally had enough last year. My mum would make very little effort to visit me or meet me, yet every week when I spoke to her she would ask "when are you coming to visit". After a few weeks of fobbing off the question, I finally decided one week , ok I will go. And I told my mum a date I could go to hers. It is a long trip for me to go to my mum's and I don't drive, hence why I had put it off. But in the end she answered that " oh no I am going to your sisters place" I was hurt and told her that she is part of the problem if she is not helping bring the family back together again. That day she met my sister was awful, my daughter goes to preschool a couple blocks from where my sister lives and it was on her school day. Walking to drop her off, I kept wondering if I would run into my mum and sister together. That's not all too, going back a few years I had a miscarriage and my mum didn't care. She never called me to ask how I was, yet she has almost weponised that trauma. Last we fought, she told me I was full of resentment. Her appology was a kick to the gut because it was actually a really nice apology and what I had been wanting from her, till she concluded it by saying "how long are you going to hold onto resentment" it made me feel honestly mentally ill, my brain was playing a game of tetris trying to accept the appology,but I just couldn't. The final blow she delivered was when she said " my baby wasn't a baby but a miscarriage" I was speechless, how could she be so cruel,my own mum. I hung up the phone with her and have had minimal contact with her since. I will send her generic messages for special occasions like her birthday, mother's day, because it doesn't feel right not too. But otherwise I will not return any other messages pleeding for me to reach out, which are just pleas to make me feel sorry for her and guilt me. I do feel guilty, but I  am scared of her at the same time, I can't continue to live in a family I don't belong anymore. I don't know if I am doing the right thing, and sometimes wonder if I overreacted, I don't know what to do, but my kids need me. Especially my oldest who has alot of challenges, Thank you for reading. 

[BPDSurvivor]

That’s tough that your mum is that way but I guess you can’t ‘fix’ or change her.

 Have you ever asked her directly why she treats you that way? 

i agree about not being able to give from an empty cup. It sounds like at this time, it’s just about looking after you and your own immediate family.

 What would it be like if you cut contact altogether? @Anonymously86 

[Anonymously86]

Hi

Thanks for the reply. I obviously can't sleep there are just some nights I can't get it out of my head. 

It is pointless trying to get answers from mum, because every time I had tried to tell her when she had said something nasty, she will deny it. She had even told me soon after I married my husband that "I had doomed myself to a life like hers for marrying a poor man " when I reminded her of that she denied she had said that, told me that she must have said that "it looks like you are living my life" which ofcourse I told her "you definitely did not say that". It was her tone that set me off the most, I don't think back and get upset because we didn't have money, I get upset because of all the drama in my childhood from my parents, but that is another story. When I tried telling her we need to get back together as a family her answers was "that's crazy" when I had told her I thought she was hurting my relationship with my sister. She had told me that since she is over 40 and me nearly 40 we should sort it out ourselves. I have come to realise that any time I question my mum or argue with her I should expect gaslighting and nastiness. That's why I haven't bothered asking her why she is treating me like this, and the way she carries on she is definitely not acknowledging any wrong doing. Going to her for an appology or an explanation at this stage seems pointless, which is why I have stayed away. I won't get the answer I want from her and her gaslighting is sending me crazy, honestly that phone call I had with her I felt like I must be insane and was having a panic attack, I called beyond blue to make sure I wasn't losing the plot.

Cheers

[holdinghope5]

Hi @Anonymously86 

Welcome to the forums. I'm sorry to hear how your mum treated you, sounds really frustrating and hurtful to be spoken to in that way. I'm glad you've reached out for support, you deserve to be heard.

A tip for using the forums - you can tag members by using the @ symbol and typing out the username then selecting it, like this @BPDSurvivor. This way, the person you've tagged will be notified of your response. @BPDSurvivor above response is for you. 

[Anonymously86]

Thank you. 

I appreciate that, I know I need help. I need to be better for my daughter who needs me to be better to help her the best I can. She starts school next year and has special needs. I already have a fight on my hands now to get her the help she needs for preparing for school next year. Life definitely isn't easy and it doesn't help I don't have anyone to talk to. 

Thank you for being a sounding board. 

🙂