Yet another chapter of self discovery - my introduction

[Blep]

* warning .... very long*

I have been wanting to introduce myself for some time now but trying to find the time with a 4 month old is very hard. Well I do have a long story but I will only go over what is happening in the present for that is what as bought me here to these forums. 

Let me give a little background to this chapter. The whirlwind began in 2018 when I got married. My husband and I knew we wanted to start a family and we would begin trying from the wedding. I did not have a period for 2 months but all pregnancy test came up negative. Went to the doctors and one thing lead to another and I end up being told I have a 6cm dermoid cyst on my left ovary. Had surgery at the end of February and was told it was just a mass of hair and not cancer (phew). I could not do any exercise for a month and my husband and I were going to Japan during cherry blossom season for our honeymoon. During our honeymoon we ofcourse tried again and to our surprise fell pregnant first try. My pregnancy was hard most of the time with being diagnosed with gestational diabetes and high blood pressure. At my last appointment with my obstetrician they said "ok it is time for this baby to come out. You will need to book in at the hospital and we are doing an emergency c-section tonight." That happened at 11am and at 7:35pm my little man came into the world. I did not get to see him because he was taken to the special care unit due to breathing difficulties. I then was in recovery for 3 hours because my blood pressure would not come down. I was very lucky for the nurse that was taking me to my room took me to see my son and the lovely ladies there let me have some skin-on-skin time with him. 

So now we are at the present time... (thank you if you have read this far!) I was diagnosed with antenatal depression early on in my pregnancy. I knew something was wrong with the way I was feeling and by the thoughts I was having so I seeked professional help. I did proper research and found a psych that deals with pregnant women. I have seen many psychs in the past but knew I had to find someone more specific for this. After my first 5 sessions provided by medicare helped me tremendously. To be able to talk to someone and be told that I was not crazy for having the thoughts I was and that is was in fact very normal for it to happen. I was instructed by my obstetrician to go on antidepressants for my feeling were not going to get any better but they would get worse due to the hormones. I did this even though I was against going on them but it was the best thing I did. After the birth I felt amazing within myself which was the total opposite of what I thought I was going to feel like. Jump to pandemic time and I have taken a 180 turn for the worst. I feel like I am circling the drain of depression again and know that I have postnatal depression currently. I have deteriorated so quickly that it is concerning for myself. I have spoken to my psych today and have put somethings into play which I will see if they will work. There is maybe a possibility that my meds will be increased but I am not sure if I want to due to breastfeeding. 

Everything feels so up in the air at them moment and I feel like an empty shell of my former self. I have lost my identity and feel like I am just at mum, which I am now feeling like a failure at because I am having breastfeeding issues. So the one thing I am I can no longer do. I know I need to not be hard on myself and I have at least gone to get help but with knowing what it is I am meant to be doing makes my even more frustrated because then I should be able to get myself out but I can not. 

Anyways, that is my current situation but ofcourse there is a lot more background that I will talk about over time. Trying to get all that out in one go would take a novel! Thank you to whoever has taken the time to read this and I can not wait to meet some new people and hear your stories too.

Much Love,

Blep xx

[anewhope]

@Blep  - Hi Blep, let me start by saying this: what a beautiful story. Thanks personally for sharing such a couragous story, I am sure it took a huge amount of mental effort to put everything that has happened in the last 2 years down in such a concise and accurate description.

I will also say that both yourself and your husband have done an amazing thing and brought life to this world, not only through your son but the way your relationship with your husband has now grown.

I am very happy to hear that your medication was helping, would you mind if I can ask if you are still benefiting from the medicine?

I can understand what it feels like to be a "shell of your prior self". I suffer from Cleanliness OCD and subsequently I am unable to go to the shops on my own and get extremely nervous (I have a fear of cigerettes so everywhere I walk I am looking to make sure I don't step on cigerette butts, if I do I throw the shoes away and have to go home and wash). I only have memories of what it feels like to being my prior self so I can definitely understand what this feels like.

If i can be honest with relation to being unable to breastfeed, I am male so I will never truly understand the joy that it would bring a mum to be able to supply to a baby but I can say that there is so much more you are doing at the moment that makes you a mum that without a doubt far exceeds the ability to supply milk. I say this because it is only 1 part (still a vital and  important part to you I can totally understand), but you do so much more without even realising it.

You have taken such good care of your baby before it was born to ensure he wasn't cold, hot, or sick. You provide a home for your baby and make sure he is fed. You spend quality time with him and no doubt will be his most enjoyable friend and will learn so much from you.

You have even taken some amazing steps to look after yourself (such as writing on this forum and seeking help). That not only helps you, but also your baby because you only want the best for them.

In the scheme of things, looking back in the future your son will thank you for just being you, his mum. It won't be just the presents at christmas/birthdays, or the pocket money, or the small/big holidays you take him on.

It will be that you were there for him on his first day of school, that you were at his concerts and was always there for him.

I know it is hard, but please don't feel bad or feel like a failure for not being able to breastfeed. I am sure your son would not want you to feel bad because you sound like a wonderful mum and a very genuine and honest person. I would also say, please don't feel bad that you are feeling down. It is not something you have done (or not done) and I promise with the right help this will be a fundamental day today and every day after this.

Nice people deserve to feel nice and should get all the nicest things in the world. I wish that for you

[Blep]

Thank you so much @anewhope for such kind and understanding words. If was very lovely reading your response.

Currently I do not feel like my meds are doing anything at all but feel that sleep dep and no self care have a lot to do with it.

That must be hard with the cigarette butts. With the filth of some people it would be so hard to try and deal with that.

I do need to remember that there is so much more to being a mum than just breastfeeding but I guess since my brain is not in my corner currently it is hard to focus on the positives. I guess it is something to work towards

[anewhope]

Hi @Blep,
I am very sorry for my long reply time. I was just checking to see how you are going and to make sure all is well.

You show a tremendous amount of courage. I can totally understand it can be hard to focus on the positives. It often feels like the positive thoughts can be so distant from thoughts that bring us down.

There is a perfectly logical and emotional attachment to want to physically provide for your baby by breastfeeding.

If I can put it in context if it will help to put things in perspective, I would think to yourself all the day to day things you do for your baby:

Providing food and water
Providing Milk in other forms such as formula
Spending quality time with your baby
Teaching your baby how to support their head/neck
Teaching them to crawl/walk
Changing nappies
providing a home for your baby
Buying clothes
This is just the beginning of all the things you are going to provide.

I am sure you want to be the best mother you can be, and it sounds like you are exactly that and more.

I can understand the feeling of meds not doing anything. Is it possible your doctor might know about any alternate meds that may be able to help.

With regards to sleep dep and self care, is it possible a family member might be able to help you for a day or two to allow you some rest time? You would be amazed how a day of rest can help you recoop.

Before you know it, I am sure your baby will be sleeping through the night and things will get much better.

I'm always happy to talk

[Blep]

Thank you again @anewhope! I must say I am feeling better this week but still a little down. I've have 2 appointments with my psych which helped ALOT. It has made me stop and reassess everything. Well with some restrictions lifted maybe I can get some help which would be lovely!

[Blep]

I had done this post awhile ago but never tagged anyone. If I miss anyone I'm sorry but for any of you who wants to know what bought me to these forums here it is... and it's a long read...

@Shaz51 @Sans911 @Appleblossom @Former-Member @Faith-and-Hope @Former-Member @eth @outlander @Purplerain @CheerBear

[Faith-and-Hope]

Thanks so much for the tag @Blep.  I am in the throes of completing a uni assignment, but I will be back to have a read here when it's done ....,

[Former-Member]

Sorry @Blep , I'll try to read that later tonight. I've had a busy day and have been stressed etc. and have a headache, not trying to ignore you. I appreciate the tag and I will read it when I have the chance

[Blep]

Hey @Faith-and-Hope and @Former-Member. Thanks for dropping in I know it is a big read and don't expect people to read it straight away but thank you for popping in

[eth]

Hi @Blep  thanks for tagging me.  I think it's great that you have reached out to us and am sorry you didn't get more response sooner.  I've been through some similar issues when I was an early parent so I can relate to what you're going through.  Good to hear you're feeling a little better and getting some good help from your psych - is that psychiatrist or psychologist?  I see both, they help in different ways.  Wondering if you know about @PANDA "PANDA supports women and their families who are suffering from perinatal anxiety or depression. "  Tagging @Jupiter  in case you can give Blep the details.  I've heard they're very helpful @Blep   I also had short stays in both Karitane and Tresillian mothercraft hospitals that helped enormously.  One of the hardest things I ever did was to give up on trying to breastfeed and put my baby on formula - but they thrived so much more once we made the change.   Not everyone can do it, that's the way it is.  I feel that too much pressure is put on new mums to do things one way or another.  Only you can know what's behind the choices you make and how things work out despite choices sometimes.    Take care.  

https://www.panda.org.au/