Guilt about NC with family

[K8e]

It’s been a few years now of NC with my parents and most of my extended family. I came to realise as I got older that my mum was/is a narcissist whose goal was to have everyone meet her needs at the expense of her children and my father. 

My self esteem and self worth is almost nonexistent at the moment. I’m working my arse off to get back to a normal and an ok place within myself. 
I am however feeling guilt and sadness about potentially not seeing and speaking to my dad again for the rest of his life. He also contributed to me being NC with not following boundaries I put in place and using me as a free psychologist with the issues he was having with my mum and other family members. He would also stop speaking to me for weeks at a time if I was too ‘emotional’ which would cause me to feel abandoned, unheard and questioning my emotions. 
I’m not sure what to do. I know I don’t want to speak to or see my mum and I know my dad has hurt me in the past. I know neither of them have taken steps to change or want/can change. 
I think my next step will be to do a comprehensive Pros and Cons list…. 

[Ru-bee]

Hi @K8e 

Stepping away from family is a really hard thing to have to do. It sounds as though you've taken this time away to look after yourself and protect yourself from their behaviours. Even when we may be able to logically see that we might be better off not having contact with family, the reality of that is really hard and it's natural to grieve that relationship, even if it was a relationship that hurt us. We can also grieve the relationship and parents that you wish that you had. 

It sounds like you're taking a very considered approach to whether you want to initiate contact again - creating a pros and cons list is a good way to get all our thoughts and feelings about it out there. I wonder, if you do initiate contact and it doesn't go well, how will you feel about cutting contact again? Alternatively, if you decide not to get in contact now, do you feel as though the option is still there later down the track?

None of this is easy, but I hear that you're working really hard to care for yourself so good on you.

[Whaledone321]

I feel like distancing myself from my family. I feel like years of emotional neglect just being around them brings back too many memories of trauma. At the same time I feel like

[rav3n]

@K8e @Whaledone321 i'm sorry to hear that you've both felt emotionally neglected by your family - i've had a similar experience with my parents too, and i know how painful and lonely that feeling is. 

it is frustrating and upsetting when we can't see our parents making the effort to change, especially after putting in the effort to talk to them. good on you for setting those boundaries @K8e, i can imagine how challenging that must've been. i haven't gone NC for more than a week before but i still have felt a lot of guilt when setting boundaries so i've tried to reflect on the 'why' - why am i feeling guilty for putting myself first when my parents have put themselves first hundreds of times? sometimes talking it through with a therapist helps (my psych walked me through some questions to help me reframe things and it's slowly helped build back my self-esteem). 

i think distance can be healthy for some relationships. we all have our own tolerance level and capacity, so take your time to figure out what works best for you. it might feel like a mess at the start, but things will fall into place with time. sending you both big hugs 💙