Lived Experience Forum

[I_will_be_ok]

I've just come out of a 5 year relationship that isolated me from family and friends. He was a romance scammer. Please don't tell me I was stupid. I'm extremely intelligent and he was the most amazing fake I've ever known. If you haven't been through it you wouldn't understand. These "people" are hunters. They are cunning and have no conscience. 

I have no support. I can't talk to family and friends about it. I can't talk to anyone about it. 

I feel so alone. I've lost everything I ever had. 

I spoke to a couple of people about it and one actually laughed at me and others told me I'm stupid. So I'm not talking to anyone about it again. I saw a financial counsellor who kept harping on about wanting to know why I did it. In the end I had to say does it make any difference? It happened, that's all you need to know. 

Just writing about it makes me have heart palpitations. 

He took my past, my present and my future. 

I refuse to allow it to destroy me. 

But I'm so alone. I thought I'd engage a psychologist but it's no help. He's self obsessed. He takes over when I say something and gives an example from his life even though I only made a brief comment with no full explanation. So I feel very frustrated. 

Part of what I need to do is to not be so empathic. People pick up on it when you are and if they are users they'll use you. So some of my work is to learn when to create and enforce boundaries. He has totally missed the point. I gave an example that I am working through that and didn't accept someone's bad behaviour (not the psychologist's) and he said quite strongly that I was refusing to look at it from that person's viewpoint. I couldn't believe it so I was being told that I was wrong. I said I didn't accept their behaviour because they were rude and shouted at me. It was good that I didn't accept being treated badly. He again said that I need to learn to see others' viewpoints. This is what I always do and I get trodden on. I'm looking for another psychologist but it's so hard to reach out to a professional and get a response that's so off base. They were completely overlooking what I've been going through and keep missing the point. 

I need some support. 

The scammer is a narcissistic sociopath so I have that part to recover from as well. There are so many layers to this and so much to work through and with no-one that I can open up to its really tough. I had a horrible 15 year marriage to an abuser so I've never had a good relationship. 

[NatureLover]

Welcome, @I_will_be_ok , I like your username 🙂

I am so sorry this happened to you. And that you have now been in an abusive relationship twice 😢

Also sorry to hear about your current psychologist and what he said to you! 😢

SANE have a 14- week guided service - if you go to the very top right of the page and click on "Guided Service - Register or Referral" you can find out more about it. 

An important forum tip is if you type @ and then click on a name in the drop-down box, that person will get a notification and won't miss your reply.

I hope you find the forums supportive...

[bliffitygibbet]

Hey there. I know exactly how lonely and lost you feel - I also survived a coercively controlling relationship that almost destroyed me. Being manipulated by someone you trust has nothing to do with a lack of intelligence; anyone who would suggest otherwise has a compassion deficit and no understanding of how this kind of abuse works.

The psychologist sounds like a bad fit for you and your needs. It's ok to find someone else. The relationship between a therapist and the person receiving therapy is the most important thing that determines how effective the therapy is, so finding the right person for you is really critical. His approach might be great for someone else, but it's not for you.

The work to rebuild your life after this experience can seem so overwhelming. It can feel like everything has been taken away and it'll be impossible to ever get back on your feet again. But you can - you can even build back stronger and better, despite the damage inflicted on you. One little bit at a time, one day after another, one task of putting your life back together and then the next. You're free to do that now, in whatever way you choose.

Most of all, please know that you are not alone and there's compassion and understanding out there for you. Abusers isolate you, but you got out of this situation and you are now free to create and re-establish connections to people who will listen and support you. I'm one of them, if you want to get in touch 🙂

[Owlunar2]

Hi @I_will_be_ok 

I am so sorry this has happened to you and I am glad you have found your way out  - eventually wiser for the experience 

You do not have to look at it from the other person's view point  - you don't need to hear your therapist's experiences - and other people laughing and criticising is an insult to you  - something they could and should keep to themselves 

It will be hard to get past  - tough learning curves generally are - I am glad you have had the courage to share - you will  not be criticised here

And it was not your fault 

Welcome to the forum 

Owlunar 

[SmilingGecko]

Hello @I_will_be_ok yes you will be ok and yes you will recover your life. Don't say no. These conmen are very practiced and can even escape detection from psychologists. Its very hard for even trained psychologists to identify them, they may even be an enabler such a person in their own personal life putting other people at peril through their endorsement!

These people are called A-Paths, who provide strength and support to sociopaths and psychopaths.

Which makes me wonder why this psychologist should laugh at you. They tend fly under the radar with convivial personalities and are chatty and popular while the victim is viewed as an inconvenience or unreliable witness or even a liar to others.

Guess what? You can regain ground and start rebuilding. It can be scary and you may feel lost and life is desolate and barren but you will win. You woke up to this man while everyone has had the wool pulled over their eyes by this fraud. You will have your day in the sun.

Please watch this video. This is a free resource. This woman is highly successful she is 67 years old and does not look a day over 40, does yoga and looks a picture of beauty and health. No-one would know she had a history of abuse growing up at the hands of her family and later her first partner who was a domestic abuser. She was able to get her life together in the end and her life is flourishing

I hope you will be ok today but this is what these people do, its how they operate and they know how to trick and deceive as they have done it all their lives

Start planting seeds now and begin to heal. You can recover and you can begin to live life once again

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ISkH07jqWrM

[I_will_be_ok]

Thank you

[I_will_be_ok]

Thank you so much. I appreciate that.

[I_will_be_ok]

Thank you so much.

[I_will_be_ok]

Thank you so much. I'm watching the video.

[MJG017]

@I_will_be_ok  I'm so sorry to hear what you've been through and it's particularly difficult when people blame you for what this scammer did to you.  I know it's no exactly the same thing, but I worked in IT and was familiar with a lot of the scams there, and people don't realise, until it happens to them, just how good these people are at what they do.  Yes, there are a lot of lazy scams out there that most people would instantly see red flags, but the good scammers know exactly what they are doing and they are very, very good at it.  Most of us wont see it until it's too late, so I think you're fully justified to feel they way you do about being called stupid.  It just shows these people are completely ignorant about how these scams work.  Even so, I hardly think this would be the time for the people around you to focus on whose fault it is rather than helping you to recover.  I know what it's like when your hopes that family and friend would support you through a very difficult situation go unmet.  It's a massive double-whammy!!

Your psychologist sounds... unhelpful.  To say the least.  I've seen 3 in the past 6 months and they all see to be the opposite.  I sit there for an hour and go on and on while they will occasionally scribble something in their notebook.  They make occasional comments and suggestions that really make me reflect on what I've been saying and I find that helps me in working things out.  I would definitely be looking for someone else as well if I were you. Hopefully the next one is a bit more understanding and can really give you the support you need.

You do seem to have the right attitude though, so I think you're will placed to get through this in time, hopefully with a little more support along the way as well.  You said he took your future, which I get, but he took one future.  You now get to work on a new one.  I wish you all the best.