Not Coping

[ENKELI]

@Birdofparadise8 love and hugs 🫂 🤗 ❤️ 

[Birdofparadise8]

Hello @ENKELI 

How are you today?

Did you get in with the army stuff to see a psych? Or is that the one that is slow? Could you book multiple appointments at once, and then you know you have them? 

Yes, that is true. Well, if it was anything like last week, it was very hard. I reached out to KHL, did some breathing stuff, watched some TV and did some uni work. 

Yeah I think so. I would like to know what made him change his mind, though. He was pushing very hard for it the past couple of weeks and then said basically what I wanted to hear. Actually, he did mention how I mentioned the week before how I won't manage to get through everything if we do fortnighly as I find it hard enough now to get through everything in an hour. Maybe that's why he changed his mind, but I will ask next week when I see him. I will also ask about minimising and why I would do that. I would write him very detailed emails that would really express how bad things were, but like yesterday, I might have been downplaying how bad things were but not realising it. I basically would say things were bad or not great. Maybe I thought he would know, but I meant things were actually not good. 

He also mentioned how I would leave and then stew on everything and end up writing an email later expressing how I felt afterwards. I think from what he said, he wants me to share how I actually feel in the moment before I go, but I feel that it would be difficult to say we have five minutes left, and I might say I'm not great. Yesterday, I did say I wanted to cry but couldn't bring myself to it. I feel like it's a bit odd at the end. What if I did start crying or something we would go over, or like yesterday, I didn't know how long we had left when I mentioned I wanted to cry. Like, I can't just start bawling my eyes out with five minutes to go and then be like, okay, it's 2:45 or 3:15 time to go now. Emotions don't run on a clock, so I don't know what to do. 

I am going to Hobart on the 8th for my birthday, so that week I won't see him, and then on the 25th, I can't see him as I think someone took my appointment. Then the month of October i think was okay and then he is taking two weeks off in November. 

Yes, I know you have mentioned that a few times. You did say you were working on that. Now that I'm back, you can talk to me, and then things might not get so bad. 

What have you been up to? I've done a bit of study and I have been doing research on an overseas study thing i can do for six week in july next year and i don't have to pay for the whole thing as I can add it to my hecs debt. 

[ENKELI]

@Birdofparadise8 hey princess your birthday is the 8th September right? I wish I could send you a card, but I'll sort something out. Are you having a party?

I had a party with just family my last significant birthday. It was nice. And now that I don't have any friends I don't have much choice!

Are you getting anything out of your counselling sessions? Aside from having someone to talk to each week Are you being taught coping mechanisms? 

Having weekly counselling sessions doesn't sound sustainable to me, but that's just my thought.

Saying that he said what you wanted to hear doesn't sound like he's helping you get better, and that is his priority. 

I had a phone appointment with my services provider for Centrelink and that eased my mind a lot. I'm not being forced to look for work which is good. I want to use the time to get my teeth fixed up.

Oh, I am healing from ex friend and have forgiven her. It's something I may need to do several times, ie saying that I forgive her and meaning it but I've accepted that I will never have the opportunity to defend myself and get closure. I still miss her and the kids like crazy but I have moved on and am not letting her have power over me anymore. 

Vet affairs take forever to arrange counselling and you can't book several sessions at once. They have to find a psych in my area, then check their availability. The last time I used them the closest psych was a 30 Min drive and every time I called the psych I'd get his answering machine. He'd then call back and get my message bank until I called and said don't worry. I went with someone else. Not that she was any good. 

I'm lying down with a headache at the moment, checking emails on my phone and chatting with you 🙃 

What have you been up to today?

[Birdofparadise8]

It's the 9th @ENKELI 

Granny died on the 8th, and I am flying to Hobart at the same time. It's going to be a hard day. 

Hahaha, all good. No, just going out for dinner. I have no friends for a party. 

Was it nice at least? 

Mmm, he doesn't really teach me coping stuff; I don't really know what else I could use that I haven't already known about, but more understanding things, venting and connection. I only have him and KHL, where I can expressly say how I am feeling in person or over the phone. I will go over something that happened that week, and we will work on it and what to do about it. Lately, he had been pushing me to go out and meet people more. I am doing that and going to a games night tomorrow. Loneliness has still been a big thing, especially at night. A few other things we have been spending a lot of time on, but I can't specify. 

Do you have any good coping strategies I might not have tried before? 

Why don't you think it's sustainable?

Well, I agreed with him when he said it. Maybe he didn't realise how much I needed weekly at the moment. 

I don't like how he ends the session, though. Yesterday was so odd, and I'm looking at him. He is looking at me, and I'm not sure if we are done, lol. 

Have you been able to cry in therapy before? I don't know why I find it so hard. 

He said yesterday he wants to be able to support me. He also started going on about uni and my IQ. Have you done an IQ test before? Mine is low. 

Are you concerned about the how situation with him?

That's fair enough. What is wrong with your teeth? 

Aww, @ENKELI, that's great to hear. I am so pleased for you. 

Oh, okay. I'm sorry. Can you get the Medicare sessions to help for the rest of the year? I would assume you have reached the safety net by getting Centrelink; it's only $700 instead of $2000. You would get 80% back for ten sessions. 

Oh no, have you used any pain relief to help? 

Just uni stuff, not very exciting. 

Carlton is in the 8. 

[ENKELI]

@Birdofparadise8 my darling girl, I didn't realise Granny passed away the day before your birthday. That's right, your birthday is the same day as Godson. I thought about sending a card but I probably won't. 

Nice that you're going home for your birthday. 21 huh? Now you're really a grown up!

For me, counselling should be about teaching me coping strategies as well as talking through the grief and pain. I use CBT but most of my support comes from my faith. I pray a lot. And I'm also reading 2 Christian self help books at the moment. 

I also use a technique that my favourite counsellor gave me and that's to picture a box that you put your bad thoughts in. So for me I created a box in my mind, it was purple and black with a silver padlock on it. I would then picture a what was causing me grief, for example, rejection and I would imagine myself putting the rejection I felt into the box and then locking it with the padlock. 

I don't believe you have a low IQ. You wouldn't be in uni otherwise. Ex friend and Goddaughter have a low IQ, as does a "friend" of mine. They are quite unintelligent. You definitely are not.

I think I have an average IQ. I did have testing when I was in grade 7 and I was borderline smart. English and English related topics come very easy to me but everything else I am pretty average. That's not a negative, I don't think I'd want to be really smart/intelligent. 

As for counselling I have done the MHP before but I don't feel like it would help me at the moment. 

I have you and Glisten as well as a couple of other Sane family, as well as my faith which is enough for me at the moment. 

Yes, Carlton are doing better than my Dockers. I just which both teams would beat Geelong!

[Birdofparadise8]

Yeah she did my birthday last year was really hard. It's always going to be hard as I'll always know she died the day before. 

Yes 21 hahha. 

I don't know what my psych uses lol. 

Hmm, okay, but wouldn't that mean you're suppressing those feelings of rejection etc? 

Lol, I just looked at my test from 2022, and I have a full assessment for uni, and my IQ is 79, which is very low from what I googled. 

I struggle with all aspects of anything related to intelligence. The report is really depressing. it goes on about how I am average for like essay writing and that was it, low average and very low average in basically everything. 

Though yes I am in uni and doing a double degree so I must have some level of intelligence an IQ score can show. 

Oh, okay, that's fair enough. 

I'm happy I can support you. 

I hope so. I don't want Geelong to win. The finals start next week. Did you watch any Carlton games while I wasn't around? @ENKELI 

[ENKELI]

@Birdofparadise8 I am so sorry my darling. It does get easier. My cousin who died when we were both 29 had his funeral on his mum's birthday. It was rough for a few years but as time went on the pain did lessen for my aunt. She didn't choose the date, my cousins' wife did. 

Putting your feelings in the box isn't suppressing although I can see how it looks that way. It's all about visualisation. You close your eyes and picture the box. If you are good at visualising and have a good imagination it works. My counsellor suggested it to me as she knew I would be able to picture the action of putting the feeling into the box.

I wouldn't worry about your IQ princess. Based on my interaction with you I consider you to be a very bright, intelligent woman with common sense. And common sense is a heck of a lot more useful than a high IQ. 

I didn't get to watch any games but I certainly kept a look out for when they were playing and what the scores were. 

[ENKELI]

I forgot to answer your question about crying in therapy. I never cried in sessions either. I personally don't think that is a bad thing, you just may not be comfortable with letting go in front of your psych. You don't have a problem crying at other times so I don't think you should worry too much about it 😘❤️

[Birdofparadise8]

I do hope so @ENKELI. Oh that would be hard. it's nice to know she found it got easier over time. 

I honestly can't believe it's been a year since she died. 

Oh okay I cannot do that. I'm not good with picturning things. If I were asked to shut my eyes and think of an apple i just see black. 

Aww thank you @ENKELI 

Yeah, it is really hard to let go and be that vulnerable. I really did want to, though. I didn't want to go home and cry after as I would just not stop thinking about everything. 

It's tricky if he wants me to share how I feel before I go, but if I do that and start getting emotional, I don't know how I can just leave five minutes later because it is 2:45 or 3:15. I am unsure how to approach this next week. 

Lol, we just had a fire drill, and I was in my PJs, and so I quickly got dressed lol. 

[ENKELI]

@Birdofparadise8 oh no! At least you had time to get dressed! I'm sure there would have been others in their jammies though right? My crazy cat lady friend always sleeps in the nude. I told her I'd be too scared to, what if there was a fire? I wouldn't want to scare the fire brigade ha ha ha! 

It would be difficult to be emotional and then have to end the session mid tears. If you haven't explained to him how you feel sweetie you definitely should.

And remember, what works for me doesn't necessarily work for you. I'm able to visualise, you aren't. I think you are more on the science side of things whereas I am more the arts and English. Although I am not good at art I have a vivid imagination. Not only do I see the apple, I see the stem and leaf..

Your counselling needs are different to.mine too. I prefer to work things out with God and myself which is why I retreat when I am struggling.

I do.hope you are getting something from your sessions though. See if it were me and I wasn't improving I'd stop going. That's where counselling needs to be customised to suit each of us. 

Is your psych helping you? Or is he just going over the same thing each were and you're not getting well.

My prayer is that one day you are going to shine like the beautiful butterfly that you are and you will be free of hurt and pain. 

I just wish we were both free to tell each other everything but that's ok. I'm happy to have what I can of you!! ❤️💐