I can’t cope

[Captain24]

Here I go. I’m hoping it goes ok. But I’m really scared. I hope they give me a pit tour before sending me out into the unknown. 

Work.. here I come. 

[Ru-bee]

Hi @Captain24, I just wanted to check in and let you know I'm thinking of you while you're back at work today.

I hope the day goes well and you're able to be kind to yourself if you face challenges, being back to work is another pretty big adjustment and just showing up is a huge step!

[rav3n]

hey there @Captain24 hoping the transition back to work went alright for you, wanted to pop in and say hi as well 💙

[Captain24]

Hi @rav3n 

It was really hard to get up and go. I had a massive anxiety attack on my way there. I wrote down my medications that I’m now on. They want a letter from my doctor. I am so sick of constantly having to jump through hoops for them. Nothing is ever good enough. They can’t even wait until I see the doctor. But they are just going to have to. 

They put me in a truck and no I’m really sore. 

It was a really hard day. Driving home I couldn’t concentrate. I was all over the road. It was dangerous 

[Captain24]

Doesn’t matter. I’m going to bed now anyway. 

[rav3n]

awhh that does sounds like a rough day @Captain24 anxiety attacks suck ugh!! do you have calming tools for anxiety attacks? i know i find them a bit difficult to manage at times too.

i can see that you're really exhausted from this, but i also want to acknowledge the fact that you did it- you got through your first day! really manifesting that tomorrow's better for you. are you able to request an alternative task instead of driving the truck for the first week back? i can see how difficult it must've been to focus, please do be careful and look after yourself (maybe counting the number of traffic lights you see to help you focus on the road?), your safety is so important!!!

please do take it easy on yourself, i can see you're doing your best and that's what matters - don't forget to take it slow like your psych mentioned, a small step at a time might feel like 'progress' but it really is! hope you get some good rest tonight 💙

[rav3n]

just saw your last message now - @Captain24 you're feelings do matter!! you ALWAYS matter!! i'm sorry that your workplace didn't make you feel like you do, but their responses/actions do not reflect your worth. 

[Captain24]

I tried counting but there is t much to count. No traffic lights. 2 bridges. No street lights. No speed changes. All I could count was the 7 cars that I overtook. @rav3n 

I nearly crashed the truck twice. I got myself out just in time both times. 

Im feeling really low and in a lot of pain. I start back doing nightshifts tomorrow night. 

I really don’t feel ok. I’m having thoughts going through my head. Really bad ones. It’s like nothing has changed. 

[rav3n]

i can see you really tried, sucks that there wasn't much to focus on @Captain24 having those near-crashes must've been scary!! is pulling over and taking some breaks to help ground yourself possible? or perhaps calling someone, maybe BeyondBlue or another support service while you're driving to help stay focused? reaching out to your workplace and having a discussion about this might be something to consider as well, you're safety is super important!

totally understandable that you're not feeling ok after a rough day @Captain24 are you able to reach out to someone and stay safe at the moment?

If you feel you need immediate support, please reach out to:
Lifeline 13 11 14 https://www.lifeline.org.au/ 
Lifeline Text Support 0477 131 114 https://www.lifeline.org.au/crisis-text/ 
Suicide Call Back Service 1300 659 467 
https://www.suicidecallbackservice.org.au/ 
If feeling unsafe, please contact 000

Sending you lots of positive energy, let me know what you need tonight - whether it's a listening ear, distraction, etc., here for you 💙

[Captain24]

I can’t call anyone at work @rav3n. I’m not allowed my phone and there is no service. I did pull over when I could. It was really scary. They are massive trucks. 

I can’t tell work or they will suspend me again! They are really hard to deal with. They say they understand mental health and are really pushing it, except if you have an illness. 

I just write in my journal. It’s very scattered and jumps from different parts of different days since I got home. 

I don’t feel safe at all.. but I am. That makes no sense and it’s messing with my head. So much is going on in my head and I just want it to stop. 

I am running a bath. Trying some self care. At least I’m giving something safe a go. I’m not good with self care. 

I just wish it was all over. I’ve had enough of my life. I just can’t seem to get myself together. I’m just a loser and a waste of space.