I can’t cope

[Jynx]

@Captain24 please deary, do me a favour? 

Remind yourself that you just had KNIVES in your body. You feel crappy because your body is diverting a massive amount of energy just to stitching your insides back together. I'd be absolutely HORRIFIED to hear you are out here trying to push yourself to be as functional as you were pre-surgery! You NEED and DESERVE to rest!

Let your house get messy, let the chores pile up, let yourself be a stinky non-showered mess (baby wipe baths are your friend haha), literally it can all wait - because you are too BUSY to do them, since you are spending all your energy on HEALING!! That means getting real busy doing a whole fat lot of nothing at all! 

Also, one of the first symptoms of any bodily malady is a sense of anxiety (according to a friend of mine who is studying nursing). It is SO NORMAL for you to be feeling low for no reason - except there is a reason though! 'Grievous bodily harm', even for a very good reason, is still bound to take it out of ya! I'd be utterly shocked if I'd logged in to read you were full of beans and having a baller of a time 🤣 

To be your own bestie in this...what would you say to a dear friend if you heard that they were trying to do all their usual tasks and stuff after surgery? I reckon you'd tell em they need to slow down and rest! Remember, if being hard on yourself worked, it would have worked by now. 

What are you up to this evening? Working on any Lego sets (or maybe that requires more focus than you have at the moment! So valid lol) or just lots of vibin?

[Captain24]

She is a lot better but the vet wants to check her as she still has breathing issues in the odd occasion. @rav3n 

It is fiddly but if I ever manage to get it right it should look really good. I might need to find cheaper resin! Definitely tag you. 

Nah I haven’t tried any of that. I think it all needs to be put in a kiln or something. The whole ‘cooking’ process is too much and I don’t have the stuff. 

[rav3n]

glad she's doing better! the breathing issues would be hard not to worry about, hopefully you'll get some answers and support from the vet @Captain24 

how much does resin usually cost around? true, the cooking process does drag it on! having to find a kiln and probably pay to use one would be a bit of an effort hey.

i gotta hop off now, but i hope you have a lovely weekend! take care, and go easy on yourself 💙

[Captain24]

Hey @Jynx 

Yeah.. I had knives and my whole uterus walls scraped so I guess I really have to understand the pain. It’s taking a toll on me though. Oh and there is still blood loss. 

I haven’t been pushing myself until today. I just couldn’t cope with all the challenging thoughts. That word doesn’t really describe them well enough though. 

I just couldn’t cope with my kitchen anymore. My house is open plan so I couldn’t hide it away. The noise in my head was too much. I’ve even been taking extra adhd meds (safely) to try and quieten it. I have enough anxiety and pressure on myself than to keep adding to it by looking at it. It is now clearer and I feel a little less cluttered. The house is still a mess though. I have written a small job list for tomorrow. As you’ve probably read… it’s all about masking from myself and hiding away everything else. I have been really struggling for a while and push myself to cover it. 

I did have a shower as it was just too disgusting not to. It took so much for me to get in there but I do feel cleaner for it. All the blood loss has been just filthy and I was ashamed. I do feel cleaned up now though. I hadn’t showered since before my surgery. 

I do feel more pain now though. It was less this morning than it has been but not now. 

I put myself through a lot of anxiety to get myself to hospital and have the surgery. Which tyme pointed out last night would have taken a lot of energy out of me. A lot of overwhelm.

Thanks for allowing me to feel that it’s ok that I haven’t done enough. Others have been on your page too but this just hits differently. A good differently. 

My psych said I needed ‘to be my best friend’ to look after myself. She was concerned that I would push too hard.

I know, it would have worked by now. I just honestly don’t know how to let up on myself and move forward at the same time. I feel like the more I push and the harder I am on myself it ‘looks’ like I’m moving forward.

I did an awesome Lego set yesterday which I posted in the Lego thread. The photos don’t do it justice but it has to be one of my favourites. 

I did some resin before but it hasn’t turned out how I wanted it too. Another trial and error. I’ll unmold them on Sunday and see how they go. I’ve asked mum for resin for Christmas! I’m running out and it’s expensive! 

I do have a big Lego kit on the go that I might have a look at now. I have spent a lot of time on the lounge doom scrolling mostly but also some tv. I’ve been doing those ‘pick ‘em’ things while watching tv. I’ve had to order more. I’ve got lots of little gems to add to resin stuff! Like I need more coasters 😜 

 

   

[Bow]

@Captain24  They fill you with that horrible gas that is so painful?

[Captain24]

Yes they did @Bow. The pain when I woke up was so intense that 2 different lots of pain meds didn’t help. And I’m talking the ‘good’ ones! Hopefully in 5 years time when they replace the merima it’s a whole lot easier.

[Bow]

I’ve had 6 laparoscopic surgeries over the years- ya can play dot to dot with the scars, and my gosh that has is so painful afterwards @Captain24  i remember once nurse after one surgery ask me how I was and I said my stomach was sore, her reply… ‘yeah you just had surgery’. Dang nasty woman! I did have one surgeon who actually removed the gas before finishing and it made such a huge difference to my recovery. 
but take it easy eh. What yet experiencing is pretty normal for what you’ve had done. Go easy on yourself

[Captain24]

Thanks @Bow. That means a lot. 

That’s a lot of surgeries. This was my first one and I’m in no hurry to go back. 

[tyme]

Hey @Captain24 @Bow ,

How's everyone?

[Captain24]

Hey @tyme 

Thank you for caring last night. I actually really ‘felt’ it. It felt like a big warm hug. Thank you. 

How has your day been?