I can’t cope

[Captain24]

I don’t want to live with this anymore. Why can’t it just go away? Why do I do so well and then just fall backwards? Why can’t I get it right? Why am I a bad dog mum? Why am I a bad person? Just why? @Jynx 

[Jynx]

@Captain24 cos the world is a struggle for us - we are disabled by it. This is not your failing, it is a failing of society to not create sufficient structures of support for its most vulnerable members. 

Every time you have fallen backwards you have picked yourself back up again. And You learn a little bit more each time too. This time is no different. You'll be okay hun, I know it 💜

[Captain24]

I’m really sorry for tonight @Jynx. I’m sorry I have been difficult. I’m sorry I have let you down by failing. I’m sorry I’m not good enough. 

Im just going to go to bed so I don’t disappoint you even more

[Jynx]

@Captain24 you have done nothing to be sorry for, I am just glad you are sharing and connecting rather than stewing in these thoughts all alone. But if you gotta skedaddle to snooze town, by all means - I am not far behind you tbh 😉

Night hun, hope tomorrow is easier 🤞

(っᵔ◡ᵔ)っ♡

[Captain24]

Sorry I bailed last night @Jynx. I just couldn’t face any more of the day plus I had to wake up early again.

Im hoping today is so much better too I don’t want another day the same. I thought I was throw the worst of it and now I’m scared it’s back 

Thank you for last night even though I let you down really badly. 

I hope you slept well. 

[AuntGlow]

Good morning @Captain24! 

How are things feeling today? 🌞

Honestly, it sounds like it was really hard!! I can imagine there would be situations where this is easier/harder depending on where you're working/the conditions you're in, right?

That's pretty incredible. I can imagine it would have been a real pride-filled moment for you. 

I wonder if these processes could be applied to the recent experiences at work you've been sharing with us? 💛

Finding the good in stuff can feel really clunky at first, but it genuinely helps to rewire our brain so much. You've done so well engaging in the intention-setting thread too. 

Let me know how you go with the facilitator! ☺️

[Jynx]

Hmm? @Captain24 I have no idea what you mean - you having feelings and needing to take care of yourself by stepping away is somehow... letting me down? Nope, doesn't track. 

I hope today is being nice and you're catching some sunshine 🌞😎

[Captain24]

I’m feeling a bit rough today not very good at all actually @AuntGlow. I did ok at work getting things right so that was good. 

I felt empowered by sharing my story. A lot of people spoke to me afterwards including the mine manager and said that I spoke very well. A couple of people got a little upset as they could relate to different situations in their life’s. I told them how I was just diagnosed with depression and was told everyone felt that way. That no one would listen to me until I considered taking my life. They could relate to the not listening. 

The facilitator sent me a text while I was at work so I’ve only just responded. I haven’t heard back. 

[Captain24]

I feel like I let you down @Jynx by not being ok and leaving. 

I saw the sun through the truck window. 

I was in a new truck today and if a door is open it beeps at you. One of the doors kept popping open. When you tip off at the dump it beeps at you. I had a fault and it beeped at me. I had another alarm going off and it beeped at me. When you back under the digger the is a beep to stop. Then there is a beep to leave. The beeps happen every time someone on that circuit backs under and leaves so you hear it all day!

At about 2:30 it was really getting to me. It was irritating, it made me feel kinda like I was anxious. It made me angry. It made me frustrated. I just wanted it all to stop. I can’t really explain the feeling well. Then I remembered that I hadn’t taken my adhd med, I took it and it wasn’t as annoying! 

I did things right today so that was good. We had a crew bbq so everyone got together. I always find that overwhelming. I just sit and don’t say much. 

It’s been a really rough day. I’m not feeling real good at all. I feel on edge. I feel really overwhelmed. I feel agitated inside. I feel like I want to explode on the inside. 

Sorry that was a lot. 

[Jynx]

Understandable @Captain24 - maybe in the future this is a lil area where you could practice some self-reassurance? Liiiiike, 

'I feel like I am letting Jynx down right now, and that hurts. However, I know from the past that Jynx has never been upset or disappointed in me for doing what I need to do. So maybe it is all okay.' 

Food for thought anyway 😊

Oh mY GAWD that would have absolutely SENT ME. Beeping noises do my head in. Have you got misophonia? AKA unusually intense emotional response to certain sounds. It's often associated with ND and anxiety. This is me when certain people chew, or when my car pitches a fit and dings at me for having too much weight on the front seat and no seatbelt - it results in a hot kinda rage feeling, suuuuper hectic. So I feel you. 

It is a lot!! So I can only imagine what it is like to be you, feeling all those things. Anything that feels like it might be helpful tonight? 💜