I can’t cope

[Captain24]

I’ll just pretend I was sleeping she calls. She does do nightshifts too so she should understand. @rav3n 

I actually can’t scream it’s this little noise that comes out. Even when I was just centimetres from the brown snake! I can’t yell or raise my voice for very long as my voice breaks and I choke! I’m so weird. It would be really good to be able to release it. 

[Captain24]

I feel really drained right now. I’m not as angry. That has calmed down a little but I’m left feeling really tired, exhausted and mentally and psychically drained. 

Im really not feeling ok. It stills hurt a lot. My confidence that was starting to brew has gone. All the hard work I have put feels like it has gone. 

As my psych would put it, my bucket of shit is full

[AuntGlow]

Hi @Captain24, 

Thank you for waiting and apologies for my delay.

Of course, always here to listen. 

Are you saying they laugh when you stuff up? That sounds really hurtful and unkind... you don't deserve that at all. 😔 Let's come back to this (if you'd like to). 

I am curious, what made the first night feel good for you? 

And yes, night shifts throw us out massively. That's something really important to consider here actually. 

I hear you... and if you're anything like me, I can imagine your brain would be going, "See! I told you so!". And I think this happens when we put inordinate amounts of pressure on ourselves to always feel or show up a certain way. Something I am learning is that this isn't always possible. There are so many factors that contribute to how we show up every day, so can we bring in some understanding for you right now? Because it sounds like last night was really exhausting and overwhelming. 

What do you think your close friend or therapist would say if you brought this situation to them? 

(And can you reach out to one of them for support this week?) 

Talk soon. 💛

[Captain24]

All good @AuntGlow. I know you don’t always get back. 

Yes. When you hear a truck number called repeatedly everyone starts giving them grief. My digger operator never said over the radio that it was me until I asked if he wanted me to change dig units. So I was the one the one that basically let everyone know. Normally at the crib hut people say stuff but last night they didn’t. I think the fact that you could hear my upset on the two stopped that. 

The first night I was out in the other pit. The two way was quiet. It was a good basic dig so there was no hassles and it was coal so it just went in the bin so there was no dump dozers to deal with. It just went so smoothly and the time passed quickly. I felt like I had confidence that I hadn’t felt in a while. I thinks it’s the new adhd meds. 

Yeah my brain was saying that I’m not good enough and I should have known. 

I know nightshifts are hard mentally and physically but the first night felt amazing and the second night was ok. With the meds the negative self talk was limited. 

Last night bought me unstuck. I think getting left behind was the tip of the iceberg. If I hadn’t have been left maybe I would feel as bad.

I see my psych tomorrow for the last time for 8 weeks. When I tell her that I feel useless, feel stupid.. she will say ‘feelings aren’t facts’ I have so much I need to talk to her about and just won’t have the time. 

I don’t know what to do to acknowledge how I’m feeling, to work through it or to convince myself that I didn’t deserve it. 

[tyme]

Oh @Captain24 ! What a horror of a night! I just read it!

I'm sorry to hear about that crappy shift. 

When I was reading it, although I didn't understand how 'the system' works, I could 'feel' the anger and the hurt. 

I'm not even goign to try to understand the system there with the vehicles, the crib, the digger the two-way.... but i want you to know that I hear how upsetting it was. So now, you have 7 days off?

[Captain24]

Hey @tyme 

Happy birthday! 

It’s hard to explain. At the end of shift we park our trucks up. Then we get into a car and go to the log off point. Can’t drive the trucks there. So everyone needs to get into a car but the car that pulled up didn’t have enough room for me. It was just horrible experience especially after the horrible night. I’m feeling like I’m in a really low place right now. 

I have 4 days off. I go back on Friday. 

How are you going? How’s the sticky notes coming along? 

I feel like it’s been ages since I saw you. Oh and I really appreciated getting your post Saturday morning and for replying to yesterday’s list of questions! 

[AuntGlow]

I am glad they were able to see and respect where you were at... do you think you would ever bring up their behaviour with your managers? @Captain24 

And your job sounds like it comes with a lot of pressure at times. I think you're managing it so well with everything else you have going on. I seems like the adhd meds definitely helped and I am sure they will continue to help, so please don't lose hope! We all have days where other things impact, but you have absolutely made progress - last night was genuinely hard. 

I definitely think being left behind hit a trigger point for you, and understandably so, I think it shows that this part of you needs a little extra love right now. Do you know what that could look like?

I encourage you to trust that what you need to get out of your appointment, you will. Maybe you can talk with her about how you're feeling and set an intention from the outset? 

... in fact, this last sentence could be your starting point. What do you think? 💛

[Captain24]

It was very triggering @AuntGlow 

At school I came down the stairs and where we sat was just around the corner. I heard them say let’s go before captain gets here. So I waited at the bottom until they had gone and sat there by myself for lunch. That’s just one example. There’s many others of being left out or left behind. Even my bestie has done it. It’s the story of my life.

I don’t know what that would be. It’s just like I deserve it. I’m not good enough to be cared about. Lucky the on coming crew cared.

She usually lets me guide the way and has adhd herself so she gets when I change topic out of the blue. If she wasn’t my psych I think we could be friends. 

[tyme]

I think our brains are geared to remember the hurt @Captain24 Then we end up in fight/flight mode so when we hear something that vaguely resembles rejection, we cling to it. 

I'm saying this because I can relate to it a lot.

In the past, if someone closed the door, I'd fly off the handle because it was a sign of rejection. 

Nowadays, if someone closes the door on me, it wouldn't bother me one bit.

The fact is, the door has still be closed. Rather than it being what was done or said, it's the lens by which we look through, that sorta results in the outcome.

So no, I cannot agree that you deserve to be rejected or left behind. It just happened, and after a crappy day, it snowballed.

I'm hearing you and just want you to know that you have a lot of strengths to hold on to and celebrate 🙂

As for my sticky notes, I'm accomplishing so much. By the end of tomorrow, I'll have 4 sticky notes to complete, but having completed 3 the other night made me feel soooooo good!

[Captain24]

So I just had my last psychologist appointment for 2 months. I think it’s going to be hard without her but I want to prove to myself that I can do it. 

I told her that I was going to try and quit smoking. She is concerned! She didn’t actually say it but in a round about way she doesn’t really think now is a good time with her being away. I said to her that she doesn’t think it’s a good idea does she and she was like well…. just remember if you can’t do it and your MH is suffering giving in doesn’t mean I’m a failure. She is worried about my self talk especially in that situation. She said we can work on the quitting together. It’s got me thinking though. Maybe I just start to reduce it and replace with nicotine gum in between. I’m scared to put myself into a bad place while I have no support. 

Oh the fear… am I strong enough to cope without her?