I can’t cope

[Captain24]

You were in my head the whole time I was pushing myself so hard. Without you in my head I couldn’t have done it @tyme 

What did you get up today? 

I dont know why it’s a bad day.

TW: Negative Thoughts

Content/trigger warning

But I really hate myself today. I’m just not worth it. I’m not worth anyone caring. I’m just a useless nobody that’s not worth anything. I’m just w waste of space. Nothing I do can change that. The thoughts are extreme and won’t stop. 

[tyme]

Hey @Captain24 ,

That's okay. If it happens, it happens. We can't stop these thoughts happening, but we can consider how we react to them.

I was listening to a talk on the radio today and I thought of you. It was about the power of self talk. They said we have more control of our brain than we realise. We can either use self-talk to turn our brain or let our brain turn us.

In other wods, it's in our hands.

I guess sometimes, we need to be compassionately brutal with these unhelpful thoughts. Let them sit and stay, but don't let them grow and fester. 

If you don't feel you can do this, then the next best thing is distraction.

What's on you agenda tomorrow?

Today, I slept lol. I was so lost that during my catnap, I jumped up and thought I was late for something... but no... 

So I hope to tackle some sticky notes tonight.

[tyme]

Oh, and I forgot to say that I added a spoiler to your post above in case others are not up to reading it @Captain24 

[Captain24]

They are so powerful and have so much control @tyme. I’ve tried distraction but it just doesn’t help. I’ve tried grounding but the thoughts persist. It’s like they have consumed me. They have taken control. 

Self-talk is the only way I managed to do everything today. I can use self talk most of the time to push me just not the positive self talk. It feels fake. I actually wrote an article on it for the newsletter! 

I know it’s my own fault. I know I’m stupid. The only person the blame is me. 

I don’t know what to do tomorrow. Maybe mow the lawns. I’ve pretty much done everything else. 

I had a nap too. 

It freaky when you wake up and don’t k ow what’s going on. That’s when you know it was a good sleep. You must have needed it or is something up? I know you have said in the past that if you’re struggling you sleep to re-regulate? 

[tyme]

Hey @Captain24 ,

I've been staying up doing things. So after a while, it catches up. All good though. It was just a day I spoilt myself. Got Boost Juice, dumplings, noodles...... 

Meh? Life's too short.

As for those thoughts, if they come, let them be. The more you try to push them away, the greater they will be. Not worth wasting the effort. 

Can you call someone to have a chat? Sometimes, I find that if I feel crap, I reach out to others, then I feel better because I'm not so fused with my thoughts. Or even hang out on some other threads here? 

Lawns again? erghh....

I've got an appt booked into to get my car serviced tomorrow morning at 7am. 

[Captain24]

I’m glad you were just looking after yourself @tyme. I was a little worried there for a minute. I do care and I’m here if you need.

I don’t really have anyone to talk to. I’m too focused on myself, what’s in my head and what’s happening with my body. I won’t find anything for days. But I guess I go back to work on Monday so I’ll be busy Monday and Tuesday so it’ll distract me until my appointment Wednesday. 

I don’t do small talk at the best of times. I don’t think I could join in. I can’t keep up anyway and it overwhelms me. I’m not trying to be difficult. 

Yeah. We’ve had a bit of rain so they are growing. We had 90mil one night and my yard was flooded. It’s raining now. 

That’s early! Are you usually up by then? 

[tyme]

Yes, I'm usually up at 6am or something. That means I only get a few hours sleep and then I'm up. I just do things all day lol @Captain24 

Then once in a while, I crash and burn. 

I like to take my car early, and then I wait there, have a hot choc or coffee, and then get my car back before starting my day. 

I use that time as chill time while i wait for my car.   

Yeah, you mentioned you've got a few days of work. 

Have you spoken to your parents? Has your mum got a dog yet?

[Captain24]

I couldn’t cope on a few hours sleep @tyme. 6 am is a good time though. At least getting your car done early means your day is free and not thinking about when you have to go. I like to make all my appointments in the mornings as I cope with them better rather than waiting all day. 

I can see why you crash and burn. Your body just saying enough is enough. 

I’ve been talking to mum nearly everyday. I rang her yesterday and told her about the polyp. She was on her way into the doctors and I just said to call me after but she didn’t want to wait to find out so that was nice. Most of the calls have been to do with my auntie. I get updates all the time. It has opened mums eyes to mental illness and I think she sees me differently now but in a good way. She is happy to say to the rest of the family that I have bipolar and adhd. I also told her I have ASD. So that was big on my part. She told me that my cousin and her daughter have just been diagnosed with adhd as well. Mum was like ‘ Oh yeah.. Captain does too’ 

[tyme]

As hard as it is, it can be so liberating to just get it out there @Captain24 .

I'm glad you have been able to be open to your mum about it. I'm mindful it's a big step. What does your dad think?

I wonder if they will be more understanding?

[Captain24]

Mum didn’t say much when I told her but I said it @tyme 

I told mum that she could tell my aunties and uncles that I have bipolar and the others as it is who I am. That I don’t care if they know because it’s just a part of me and I’m at peace with it. 

It helps that my auntie is going through it. But she has the other bipolar so I’ve told mum that mine is different and not as severe as hers but that it can change which is why I am so medicated and have so much support. She doesn’t seem as ashamed of it anymore. I actually heard her on the phone to someone telling them and sounded kind of proud. 

I don’t know what dad thinks as he keeps it all to himself and doesn’t say much about his sister either.

At the moment they are keeping her for another 4 weeks with reassessment in 2 weeks. I want her to stay the full 4 so they can get her meds right as she won’t be able to afford the support on the outside.