I can’t cope

[Captain24]

Im just feeling useless @tyme. So I am judging myself which I know is stupid. I’m guessing it was just an accident but it pushed me. 

I also have no smokes so that’s making things so much worse. I’m hot and sweaty, have a headache and bad cravings. 

I really need to talk but I guess moving on is better. 

I’d have to rewrite the notes so that they were in order! I wrote my shopping list and then put it in order of where it is in the supermarket! ASD at its finest. 

I hope by sorting them so the are right feels ‘cleaner’ for you. 

I don’t have much on tomorrow, I have an appointment to get my tax done and I want to bath the dogs. That’s it. 

I don’t like Krispy Kreme, I never got the hype. The rest though sounds good. They will be in a super high and you might regret it! 

[AuntGlow]

Good evening @Captain24, 

I am just touching on your message from last night. I really do hear you and your inner child who would feel so incredibly hurt by the idea of being left out... what you experienced sounds so painful. I had many experiences feeling left out at school too and I have a big rejection wound as well, you're not alone at all. 💛

It might take some time for this wound to heal, but it is possible. I know a part of you feels that you deserved this, and that's okay, they can be there. I am curious though, how did it feel to know the oncoming crew cared enough to support you?

I like how much your psych helps you to feel seen! I know you're feeling a little vulnerable knowing you can't see her for 8 weeks, which is so valid - I would be feeling the same. 

I do genuinely feel you are strong enough to manage without her. I think this may be a good opportunity to mentally call upon her and connect with the advice/strategies she has been sharing with you. We can help to remind you of this, if you'd like? ☺️

[tyme]

Nah! I fed them the sugars and then I left. I have to stay and look after a family friend who had surgery yesterday. @Captain24 So I'm just staying with her a couple of nights in case she needs anything because she lives alone.

As for the sticky notes.. yeah, I need to clear my brain. I'll feel better after re-writing the notes.

I can say that probably a lot of what you are feeling is attributed to cravings. I'm not sure if it will work for you, but on the smiling mind app, there is a program called 'Cravings'. I find it helpful and I used to play it over and over again until I could battle cravings. Not sure if it works for nicotine too.

I just want to say good on you for even giving this a go. It's not easy, but in a way, I feel it is a good time. That's my thinking anyway - I may be wrong. I just want to acknowledge the effort you have made to take this step.

I hope you got a lot out of your psych appt today!

[Captain24]

Yeah i was hurt. My psych was angry. @AuntGlow 

It was nice of the other crew to care. What they did was amazing. 

My psych said to have her in my head when things go south. What would she say? What you she think of what I’m feeling? 

[Captain24]

That’s priceless @tyme. Fill em full on a school night and leave them. Love it!! 

That’s nice of you. It’s hard when you’re alone. At least someone cares. 

I hope it helps you work through them. 

I just checked the app and you must have to pay for the cravings one. I’m hoping it’s withdrawal. My psych actually doesn’t think it’s a good idea while she is away. She didn’t actually say it but she meant it in a round about way. When I said to her directly ‘you don’t think it’s a good idea’ she didn’t answer! I’ll give it a go for a couple of days, if I can’t do it then maybe I can cope with reducing how many. 

I got heaps out of it. We even talked about if my auntie rings. I’m allowed to answer her call once and then not again. We talked about Sunday nights shift where it all went pear shaped. We talked about what to try and do while she is away. Focus on what I think she would say. 

[tyme]

I would be annoyed if you have to pay for the app program. Are we on the same page? I just went to it, and I found the cravings one. It's under the Live Mindfully section @Captain24 

And no, it doesn't say I have to pay. I've never known Smiling Mind to want a payment, unless you wanted to donate something.

I've just looked at my sticky notes. 5 sticky notes and 45 tasks in total. I'm so ready to tackle them head on!

As for your psych, it sounds like a very productive session. Oh yes, your psych is away! That's why she thinks it's not a good idea. What about if you set yourself a challenge and show her you can do it?? I'm thinking that if you make up your mind, then you CAN do it. I'm not going to say it's easy though!

I just want to acknowledge that you even gave it ago. Good on you 🙂

[Captain24]

It’s not working for me. I’ll have to keep looking through @tyme 

45 tasks is so many!! That would be overwhelming to me. I’m glad you are ready to go though. 

That’s why!! She said to allow myself compassion. If I give in and do smoke to not see it as a failure and to take it for what it is. I was thinking that maybe I could mix them up with nicotine gum? Maybe that will slow me down. But I’ll give it a few days and see. They are just all I think about! 

Do you go home during the day or do you stay at your friends house? 

[AuntGlow]

I am glad you have someone on your side. It's really validating to have someone angry on our behalf, isn't it? Because you absolutely should feel welcomed, safe, and comfortable at work. Again, I am so sorry to hear that your colleagues are creating an uncomfortable space for you... I hope you can explore raising it with your manager when it feels okay to do so. @Captain24 

Absolutely! It goes to show that there are people out there who will show up for you and care for you. 🥰

I really like this idea, and I think it will be extemely helpful to check-in with what she would say or do. 

[Captain24]

It was nice @AuntGlow. and she was adamant that I understood I had every right to be angry and it wasn’t a feeling I was over reacting. 

Work is just what it is. It’s the way it is and you just have to deal with it. I did go to the boss about one person and I wasn’t the only one but apparently it was my fault and she is an awesome operator. That’s what the boss told me so I’ll never do that again. 

It’ll be hard but I guess her in my head will help. 

[tyme]

I go home to do work then I go to my friends in the evening @Captain24 . Then a few times, I'll go back over and check in on her to see if she's okay and to help her with medication, wound care etc. Then I go home again. 

Yes, 45 tasks is a lot. I hope to have time to work on them tomorrow! I need to knuckle down, but sometimes, things get thrown my way and I have to attend to them. 

Anyway, I'm hopping off now. If nicotine gum helps, go for it. I believe in you. You CAN do it!

This is my challenge to you! And having nicotine gum/patches does NOT mean you have failed. 

I reckon you've already taken the hardest step which is the first step!