Lived Experience Forum

[Zoe7]

We can get stuck in a rut @eth where we do not feel like doing anything - so very much hearing you too on that one. Super sucks Hon 

[greenpea]

@eth  Hugs and hugs today. Hope you are feeling a bit better this afternoon. Love peaxxx

[eth]

Good morning to all here.

@Maggie @Zoe7 @TAB @Sans911 @greenpea @Faith-and-Hope @Bimby2  thankyou all so much for your responses yesterday.

And @Exoplanet @CheerBear @MDT @Appleblossom @saturnzoon @Adge @Former-Member  thanks for being there with support.

Still feeling pretty bleh but not quite as bad as yesterday.  I had a talk with my sil last night and told her how the whole public housing thing is affecting me.  She asked me why I'm doing it - odd because bro has asked me to on more than one occasion so I would imagine they've discussed it.  They are not asking me to leave here, but I guess bro wants me to have a back-up plan in case things ever go awry here.  Which could include things like them selling up and moving to the farm, not just if I stuff things up.

I haven't even read the whole 'evidence requirements' document and already I'm daunted by it.   Some of what I need to gather is reports from both psychologist and psychiatrist re diagnosis verification and costs and what my needs are (e.g.  low density situation, supports in place etc).  And proof from the chemist re costs of medicines specifically because of my disability.    Proof of income from centrelink and bank history for the last 3 months, etc etc ...... and other things I have already e.g. birth certificate, pension card, medicare card, drivers licence.  And all this to get on a list they say is 5-10 years wait minimum, and only be able to select the whole city I'm in, not particular suburbs.  One of my support workers has said she will help me, which is good, but doesn't really take the feeling of pressure away from me.

The bottom line is that given my past experiences and what I already know about dynamics and events and risks in public housing ... the possibility of being there again shatters me and is triggering the first depression I've had in quite a long time.  I really can't see any likelihood of getting lucky with placement.

[Exoplanet]

Love to you @eth ,
You've been on a holiday, which I'm guessing you don't do
very often. With me, when I go away, it's a total blur, when
I get back it doesn't feel real that I went - & I know I'm
going to have a reaction. But I still want to get out there,
because I want to live; You've also had a difficult day, one that, I'm guessing, will always take a respectful amount of time to process. I think your feeling boring & wanting more is an extremely good sign. I think you want to live

The evidence gathering! Well, that's a subject that touches many! I can't imagine what's needed for the NDIS, it took 2 years of Centrelink & Doctors, with my Sisters help, to be approved for disability. It changed my life, honestly it made it possible to afford food. Such a relief! But more of the relief was knowing I didn't have to keep bashing my head against the 'go to work' wall, when I knew I simply wasn't capable of doing that.

You've done the NDIS stuff! You tackled it, waded through it & got approval! You know you can do this house one, thing is, you know it's hard work, you know it's exhausting. Remember - one step at a time, baby steps if neccessary. Maybe try not to focus on the big picture of the complicated process, instead you could try to focus on the big picture of having you own place 😉

I am honoured that you share your life with me Eth & so very grateful that you allow me to share mine with you
If that's boring, so be it  

[Exoplanet]

Just read your last post @eth . 

So maybe the focus isn't having your own place, but having a safety net in place; that might make you feel better/safer on a day to day basis, without you even really being conscious of it. You don't have to go there, but if circumstances changed dramatically & you've started the 5-10 year process - then it's there. If it's such a long process, then I would think, you can take your time with those baby steps? 😉 

[eth]

Thanks for your responses @Exoplanet  sil did say to me there's no need to rush it, but all the evidence has to be within a 3 month period - given how long it can take to get stuff from my pdocs that isn't so long -  8 weeks so far on trying to get the companion card application done - the last 3 my psychologist has said she'll email it back to me and still hasn't.  Her reports are really good tho' and I don't want to alienate her by nagging about it.  She's pregnant tho' and going on maternity leave at some stage so I need to have things from her finalised asap, which will then mean getting all the other evidence sorted out over the next few weeks.  

I'm already doing the anxious thinking about it at all hours of the night and day.

Hope today is one of the better ones for you xx

[Appleblossom]

@eth  I know you are very thorough and conscientious, but I totally second @Exoplanet  posts.

@ExoplanetI LOVE your posts.  I do not find them boring at all, but inspiring and grounded.  I might have done similar things to you if I did not have neck issues, but asit is, I am a city slicker with country hankerings ... lol.  So I get to live those things that I have missed out on reading your daily life, stuff about fences and power generation as well as the style of your holidays.  Big Respect for your values and practical capabilities.

Learning to ease up on self generated pressure is hard, and something I am working on a lot these days .... der ... do I make things more difficult than they need to be ... not all the time ... but sometimes ... the pressures of my life add up and become a sense of internal pressure, even agitation .... which is why the meds help a bit.

eth @eth having housing security in your own right, without dependence on your bro, could be freeing and grounding for you.  I know someone who recently, moved into their place and is loving it.  Well the ups and downs are still there of course, but after we come down, we look around, and that home is still there under our feet and prividing shelter.  She is from high achieving family background.

Dont take it as a rejection by bro that you are not wanted, it can also be a way of investing in your own future. Take you time with it, you have got all day and then some.  Maybe make it an hour at a time ... to chip away at the big task ... then do something else.

I do have home security.  It is one of the weirdnesses of my life. I never thought it would be a thing, I did not even realise how adapted I was to homelessness, but having a stable home will be good for you.  The old days of huge housing estates are less.  Chances are you might get lucky.  I know all the negative stuff about public housing, and regularly pass through the suburb where I lived with my re stuck together natural family.  At the time I was just happy we had a place, but over the years I have put the social realities inbetter perspective.  Those housing stocks are going.  Last time I was there, I saw the walk up flats we lived in were recently demolished.  I felt sad and glad ... Even if you dont like the final offer ... you may still be able to make the best of things .... I have just worked out one of my weird habits that I talk to @greenpea about on the fitness thread.  I must have been so used to having to gear up my energy to climb those stairs at the end of each day, that somehow it occurred to me to climb escalators as a little way of getting a mini cardio moment.  Our city has a lot of escalators in train stations.  Yes housing estates can be rough, but many people who live in them are not rough.  You are a lot older and wiser and will love being able to close your door on any rubbish.

Having one's own place give a sense of responsibility that is healing and good.  I am watching my son grow as he settles into his unit.  I am at a different level, and have a few housing projects ... that will unfold over time.  With housing it is never ... Sorted for long ... something always needs doing ... and we learn to focus on that, rather than worry too much about going for total Home Beautiful ...  that is life.

I feel a sense of stewardship and connection to place that I never felt before ... and it helps me fight suicidal urges ... and that I wnat to pass on a place which gives my kids a good feeling...

Big Big Hugs Forum Friends.

[Mazarita]

Hello all,

This is my first post since the end of May 2019. Happy to see old friends still here. On a scan of the forum, I saw posts from @eth, @CheerBear, @greenpea, @Exoplanet, @Appleblossom, and @Shaz51 (thanks for still tagging me!)

Around the same time as my last post, I had to turn off all email notifications because I was getting too many that I had already switched off in my settings. SANE was unable to resolve this failure in the system, due to the huge number of threads I had subscribed to over the years. So since June to now, I have had no notifications at all.

It worried me that this meant I was unable to respond to posts that I might have been tagged in. But my work was so demanding and intensely time consuming, I simply had no time to come and check that out on the site for myself.

OMG, it was a totally mad year with my creative work. It started off intensely with one major and demanding project from January to June, involving not just me but about 40 other artists as well. Co-ordinating this was the reason I had to completely back off from the forum at that time.

After that went very well, everything accelerated insanely into the stratosphere in the second half of the year. I can't believe I managed to do what I did, and pull it off successfully.

All this had good and bad aspects. The bad is that my physical health has deteriorated significantly under the massive stress I went through, and I am still living with the consequences of that.

The good is that I ended up travelling overseas for a month with that first major project, and with others that developed from it. That was totally unexpected, and what a fantastic trip!

But almost from the moment I arrived back in Australia after that, I collapsed, and have since been struggling with the mental and physical fallout.

So here I am back with you. Huge apologies to anyone who may have worried what had happened to me. I have no excuse except the beyond demanding time I was going through.

Anyway, I'm still alive. Given the mania of my projects last year, followed by the collapse on my return, I am also clearly still bipolar.

I've been thinking of coming back here for a few weeks, now that things have so dramatically quietened down. Not sure how much I will engage from here on at this point, as I am in two minds at the moment about the amount of time I spent here before my crazy 2019.

Hoping to find my way to some better balance this year.

Love,

Maz

In Rome. The little door represents me. The rest of it stands for the massive work and experience of the whole year.

[Angels333]

@Mazarita , you don't need an excuse 💜❤💙💚💛🧡  I t is great to hear from you.

I took a break from the forum too, when I returned you were away.

I love reading about your artistic projects, on a mass scale, you are awe inspiring xx

Love Angels333 

[Maggie]

@eth  I understand so much of all you are saying. Fears of being placed in the wrong areas. I’ve also been in some tricky housing situations.

I moved into a flat in November, and it couldn’t be better. So there are safe places out there.

I have a social worker who has been willing to speak for me if necessary.

I really do understand the stress involved in all that you are doing.

Take care where you can. 💛💙💜❤️💚