Failing as a parent big time

[GuiltyinLife]

My 15 yo daughter is autistic and has anxiety and depression. 

I'm a single parent and I get anxious and I realise that I'm completely useless and damaging and very unsupportive for her.

I am pretty sure that I'm not doing it on purpose.

But I am not providing her with what she needs when she is needing support. I cringe when she is invited anywhere. Because she gets anxious and reacts In a way that makes me panic a little.

I don't say the right things she wants to hear and so I try to say the right thing and it just gets worse. So I'm damned either way. 

I don't want to give advice anymore because it's always wrong .

Tonight she was invited to a friends and it all went to shit despite me really really trying to help by not reacting to her anxiety driven behaviour which wasn't bad but caused me to get a bit panicky and saying the wrong things from the get go.

I can't handle her anxiety at the moment . To be honest the whole parenting is stressful. 

I'm not coping with anything at the moment. I know that is really bad ..  but I don't know how to fix myself.

I want to be better I really do.

I want to support her but I am making all sorts of mistakes.

I am messing up big time and then when my daughter tells me I am not helping or criticises me I get defensive and I get angry. I am so not in a good place. 

I don't have my mother anymore...she passed 3.5 months ago and both my daughter and I found her a great support. We are now alone together trying to keep the friction between us down. 

Today/tonight I failed my daughter x100000

I really really tried not to react to her mood and anxiety. But nothing I said was right for her. And she was getting agitated and that caused me to get cross as a reaction to her . I panic a bit.

And become on guard a little.

Not the best thing to do for a teen who is already anxious. 

She didn't get to that friends house after all that happened. And now we are not talking to each other and we are just avoiding each other.

She hates me because I couldn't help her tonight and Made everything so much worse. I don't blame her. 

I am suppose to be there for her and I failed her miserably.

I want to give her a better mum

How do I do that ?? 

[Jynx]

Hiya @GuiltyinLife - so sorry to read about what's happening for you and your daughter. I just wanted to share some of my thoughts.

First and foremost, I think the very fact that you're putting this much effort in, that you're taking the time to join an online forum and written up this post, shows how much of a good parent you are. Being a good parent isn't about 'getting it right' all the time, it's about consistently putting in the effort, striving to learn as we go, and dusting ourselves off after we mess up. Cos there's always gonna be muck ups!! That's just what it means to be human.

Besides, getting it 'right' is largely gonna depend on the nature of both child and parent - and having a neurodiverse child complicates this further, cos what is often considered the 'right' way to parent neurotypical kids can actually end up being more harmful than helpful for ND kids!! 

Maybe you could sit down with your daughter (during a time when you're both relatively calm, and haven't been fighting recently), and ask her directly - "What does support look like for you?" or  maybe, "When things are reaching a stage of really heightened emotions, what could we both do differently?" Basically just opening up a dialogue about the way that you two experience conflict, and how you might be able to approach it differently going forward. 

Calling time outs is pretty useful too - maybe next time you notice your voice start to raise, your heart beating faster, or feel like you wanna yell, just stop the conversation, and take a breather for 5-10 minutes. I find it soooo helpful (I have ADHD too, and my emotions are always VERY BIG haha), especially because I cry so easily, and when I'm crying I find it impossible to have any kind of reasonable or productive conversation - because I can't talk properly and the other person is usually distressed at my distress. 

Don't forget as well - it's pretty normal for teenagers to become very resistant to the idea of being like their parents. It's not a reflection of you or your worth as a mum, it merely shows that your D is just working out her identity. 

I think you're on the right track hun. But there's no shame in getting some extra support!! Some relationship counselling via Relationships Australia might be helpful in terms of giving you both some new communication and conflict resolution skills. ADDitude has heaps of tips for parenting ND kids. You could also chat to Griefline, as I can imagine losing your mum would definitely have an impact on the relationship. You both deserve some extra support! Our support line (1800 187 263 Mon-Fri, 10am-10pm) is also an option, and for your daughter, she could always give Kids Helpline a buzz, or head over to ReachOut for their Youth Forums. They've also got a space to provide support for parents too. 

These situations are always complex, nuanced, and tricky; i.e. this isn't the result of you failing as a parent. There's always so many other factors at play. Like I said before, the fact that you care this much, that you're willing to try, you are putting effort into making changes - those all tell me that you're a good mum, no matter what your brain might be telling you 💜

[Glisten]

@GuiltyinLife you lost your mother and your daughter lost her grandmother three and a half months ago.

You are both still grieving the loss of a very significant person.

There is no shame asking your GP for anti anxiety medication. Might be exactly what you need for a period.

G

[MJG017]

Hi @GuiltyinLife, I can tell how stressful and difficult the situation must be which is I'm assuming is only made worse by the added stress and distress of losing your mother only recently.  Which must surely be putting the both of you right on the edge and making the situation so much more difficult for you both.

Every suggestion I had was already said wonderfully by @Jynx, I think sitting down with your daughter when you're both a bit calmer at just ask her what she needs from you is a great first step.  At the very least it will show her you are doing your best in a very difficult situation, as trying to get advice here proves just how hard you are trying.  You haven't failed her.  It may seem like it, but I imagine most people in your position would be struggling just as much.  Failing her would be just giving up and not trying to find better, more effective ways to support her, which clearly isn't the case.