Topic Tuesday // Tues, 26 April, 7pm AEST // Grief

[awe]

People talk a lot about stages of grief and I find this a problem because they don't seem appropriate. Everyone's grief is so individual and bounces around so much and continues on with a life of its own. No one seems to move smoothly from one stage to another. I like "the 4 tasks of grief much better:

1. To accept the reality of the grief - it took me a long time to tame the disbelief
2. To do the pain - its the downside of the love we had
3. To get used to a world in which the loved one no longer exists
4. To find ongoing connections with the lost loved one. Max was a baker and I feel him with me every time I handle a loaf of bread. I love that

[Former-Member]

@Shaz51 it sounds like, rather than 'getting over' your grief... you allow grief to change you. What about that phrase, "time heals all wounds". What do people think about that?

[And-016]

"Time heals all wounds" is a risky one, perhaps a bit too close to "closure", but time can help lessen the more extreme grief, time helps us to adapt. I think many grieving people hear the "time heals all wounds" as the speaker saying "I'm not really comfortable with your grief".

[awe]

Hi Mosaic
Re "time heals all wounds", a bereaved father told me the other day that "healing is forever". I agree with him but it seems that we find new ways to make life meaningful. If I didn't have my own ways to make life meaningful, I think I'd go crazy.

[awe]

Hi Shaz51. My sister told me a year or 2 after Max died: "Gee, you've learnt feelings!". I'm a bloke and now I've discovered a whole new world. Like you, I feel I'm a much better husband, son and brother. Friends have changed a bit.

[Former-Member]

@awe that is precious - to feel your sons presence every time you handle a loaf of bread. Having an ongoing connection with our loved ones who have left us is so important. 

Someone I knew once expressed to me that she thought of her daughter every time she saw a ladybug. As though the lady bug was a sign her daughter was with her in that moment. Then another friend told me she thought this was really silly fantasy, but I asked her why - why is it silly?

[And-016]

Just a quick comment about right and wrong ways to grieve ... there's an alternate myth to the "dwelling/being stuck" on grief. That is, if we instead throw ourselves headlong into activities such as housework, employment, volunteering, hobbies, etc. then we are denying and suppressing our grief. Now a complete suppression of grief-related thoughts and feelings carries risk, particularly in the long-term implications for one’s health, but it is increasingly recognised that responding to grief with both a mix of activity and reflection can be helpful. It can be beneficial to reflect, but occasional escapes are also important. It’s when one approach denies the other, that additional strain in one’s grief can be felt.

[awe]

Thanks Mosaic.
The ladybug thing isn't silly if it's important to your friend. Your other friend is maybe missing something important.

[Former-Member]

@And-016 Yes, so too must distrction or avoidance can be risky... So it's about finding a balance, and giving ourselves space to reflect?

[And-016]

I think the symbols, the things that we link to a person or a time in our lives, are a huge comfort. I find that with music, there is music that links me immediately with my brother, and it makes me tear up, but in a lovely, poignant way. I love those moments, those tributes to him.