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SJD_1
Casual Contributor

Paralysed and lost with: Stress, anxiety, domestic violence, Narcassist, epilepsy

HI,

I know there is already alot of information/posts regarding Anxiety and so much more... I just felt the need to write my story from the past few months - and this provides the platform to start; and therapy to just write and get it out of my system.

 

I moved to a rural town/farm, NSW, about 3 years ago with my partner.  He easily picked up work, and I have struggled the whole time with work, making friends and feeling part of the fabric of the town.

 

I left my friends/family - 14 hours drive away. ( I put friends first as they are more suppotive than my family).  My father has a severe personality disorder - Narcassist.  I never really knew I grew up with domestic violence; until I grew up saw other families and discussions began to emerge about what domestic violence was. I have only just started to see that my father was very controlling, mean, and everything was about him.  My mother is still in this toxic relationship.  He controls the money, argues it is all his, and my mother will not get a divorce .  (It is all looks,perception and keeping up appearances??)

 

I had part time work, then Covid hit, my partner was diagnosed with Cancer - had an operation in Sydney, went throught radiation treatment closer to farm. This was tough on our relationship as we were so far away from support/familiarity. 

 

More recently I was diagnosed with epilepsy - my partner witnessed 2 seizures - I am in my late 40's, and first time seizures.  I am now on medication - and this has taken several months to feel somewhat normal again. I have had EEG, MRI, neurologist appointments.  The first Dr in the town disreggarded the first seizure; and I never had tests done.  The second seizure occured in a vehicle, I was the passanger. It was only the ED department, in another town centre, that stopped me driving for 6 months to undergo tests.  Very disappointed with the treatment at the NSW rural hospital and medical centre where I live - pop. about 2000 people.  

 

So I have not been working, cannot drive for 6 months, partner still has cancer and about to undergo further treatment. Our relataionship is really strained - i do not get on with his children, and he does not get on with my family - which is no surprise as my father is an extremely difficult person.  I am hopeful to get licence back mid May when I talk to neurologist again.

 

My self esteem is extremely low... my partner and I have been asked to 2 weddings, his friends, and I just dont want to go.  I dont have the confidence to go, I feel like I have just been smashed to pieces and I do not know who I am anymore, or what I want, or where to go next. He asks if I want to go, and I cannot even answer him.  He does not say that he would love it if I was there..... I feel that he has more fun by himself, withouth me, anyway. 

 

My partner is now selling the farm, and we are going seperate ways.  I dont know where to go - I feel family is not supportive, and I cannot be around them when my self esteem is so low.  They only care/think about themselves.  I own the house my father is living in, and he will not move out - as a narcassist he says the house is his. 

 

I have no job, cannot afford to rent back in city where I am from, cannot live with parents and am completely lost.  My brother may have a room - however he is also going through a relationship breakdown and his son has ADHD.  While my friends are supportive, and I know they will be good to be around once I get there - they have no accommodation with kids/family etc. 

 

Advise please on just where to start, taking the first step?  I have no idea which direction to head - I have to move, pack and go - am struggling with the process - finding job, where to live, packing up, moving somwhere by myself with nothing.  I am paralyzed. 

 

 

 

 

4 REPLIES 4

Re: Paralysed and lost with: Stress, anxiety, domestic violence, Narcassist, epilepsy

Hello @SJD_1 

Sounds like hell. 

Heart

Cant say much atm, but maybe work out the bottom line in accomodation and work up from there.  Sounds like your family is out. Cant say about house ownership, as it sounds complicated. So is there a way to find small studio apartment or unit for rent close to a supermarket and station etc, that you could actually afford on benefits as a bottom line as you establish your self with health supports.  That is what I did.  I had a child but serious neck issues and had to be able to feed my child, even when I could not drive.  20 years later I am still here.  It is a small little mall and not too stressful.  I can go other places when I drive, but always bottom line I had nobody else to depend on just myself.

 

Take Care

Apple

Re: Paralysed and lost with: Stress, anxiety, domestic violence, Narcassist, epilepsy

@SJD_1 Wow, with so much going on I'm not surprised you're feeling paralysed with it all. Sometimes the first step is to take a step back - give yourself a little space to breathe. Sometimes it's when we put things down for a few moments we are able to return to them with fresh eyes and a different perspective. And definitely helps to reach out for support in spaces like this too Smiley Happy

Re: Paralysed and lost with: Stress, anxiety, domestic violence, Narcassist, epilepsy

Thank you @Appleblossom 

Yes it is hell... however when in the middle of it all it is just how it is. 

I need to wait to get the OK to dive again, which is extremely frustrating as it limits so many things in a rural area.  I guess in the last 6 months I have removed myself a bit from things, as I just cant get there - which has added to mental stresses.  

You are right first I need to find a place to live and go from there - it is just getting my head around a few things and accepting this is whant has happened and then getting myself into the right frame of mind to get there.  Somedays it is just tough, and I feel that I cant really talk to anyone.  And, when I do - the story is so complex, theyre are so many things go on it gets confusing for people.  I can only hope that I do get the all clear in May, as that is what is keeping me going. xx

Re: Paralysed and lost with: Stress, anxiety, domestic violence, Narcassist, epilepsy

Thankyou @Jynx ... I do yoga each morning at the moment, which is good as in my mind I get up and that is my first thing for the day. This has been a good site, as for me it is easier to write it all out, rather than try an explain layer after layer of complexity to someone. Thankyou. xx

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