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Something’s not right

Lemonjuice
Senior Contributor

This is so weird...su triggers.

So far, I have told my counsellor, people here, my uni counsellor who then referred me to another counsellor, a hospital psych nurse, a second nurse on follow-up, and now my gp, that I am suicidal and I am not controlling things very well.  It's weird, I was so terrified that I would end up in hospital for even mentioning it but nothing happened.  Everyone has been sympathetic, but thankfully, no one has done anything about it.  My gp today wants me to increase my depression meds and he wants me to see him next week.  I'm not going to do it cause I actually want to come off my meds, not increase them.  I don't want to get better anymore, if it's going to make me feel better, I don't want to do it.  I want to get depressed, I want to end things.  I know it's weird, but I kind of feel like a superwoman, or rather invisible woman.  I kind of thought to myself, no one sees you, no one cares, go ahead, test and you will see, no one will do anything when you say you are suicidal, cause it's meant to be and because you don't exist.  I thought, this is nonsense of course, something would happen, someone would catch me falling, but no one did. Now, I feel like a god, I think I could walk on water, fly, and no one would react because I am not real, this world is not real.

 

Shhh...watch, no one will see this either.

 

Lol, no, I am not experiencing psychosis, I am still in touch with reality, I am speaking metaphorically, what it feels like, rather than what is.  I feel invisible, or as my nephew told me, I am nothing.  He's right.  Better get dinner ready.  Lol.  Doesn't matter what, cleaning and dinner must be made...march on.

5 REPLIES 5

Re: This is so weird...su triggers.

Hey @Lemonjuice

I'm really worried about you right now. I can hear that part of you is letting people know that you are suicidal and reaching out for support, but another part of you is really hoping you can get more depressed so you can end your life. You must be in a lot of pain.  
I can hear you feel so removed from a lot of what you're experiencing and feel like you could slip away invisibly, but you've also reached out here so we can really hear you and help.

 

I'm sending you an email to check in. Keep an eye on your inbox, I'm really concerned about you. 

Tortoiseshell 

Re: This is so weird...su triggers.

Hey @Lemonjuice 

You're not invisible. I see you on here. I hear that you're hurting, even if at the moment it's kind of numbed out.

From what you describe, I believe I've felt similarly to the way you're feeling now. It might be recurring but it's not forever. Keep reaching out and keep talking, cause that helps way more than letting things keep twisting up inside.

Re: This is so weird...su triggers.

Just another adding some support for you @Lemonjuice.

It's been crushing for me when I've been brave and spoken about what's happening and it seems to have made no difference except perhaps to make me feel even more alone. You've been trying so hard to get support and I'm sorry it hasn't seemed to be as helpful as you need it to be.

Hearing you lemonjuice and seeing you trying even though it's so hard. Keep trying.

Re: This is so weird...su triggers.

I can hear you also @Lemonjuice . I’m sorry you are hurting so much and  no one hears you. I don’t know what else to say, I just wanted to let you know that.

Re: This is so weird...su triggers.

@Maggie  @CheerBear  @TheVorticon  @Tortoiseshell 

 

Still here, cleaning. Thanks for all your kind words.  💓  

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