I can’t cope

[Jynx]

@Captain24 I'm so glad what I shared resonated with you and helped you feel a bit better 😊

Aww hun, I am not surprised that you're feeling so overloaded by everything. But I promise - broken you are NOT. Everything you've described sounds like you're doing your best to attend to the basics/essentials you need to do to function. I know it would've been so scary to nearly fall asleep while driving; I'm so glad you're okay. 

I promise you that we care about you hun, you're part of this community and we can see the weight on your shoulders right now. We're here for you hun 💜

Sending squishy hugs and vibes of hope and strength your way.

(づ ᴗ _ᴗ)づ♡

[Captain24]

Thanks @Jynx 

Thanks for listening to my unload. 

Today I feel so physically and mentally exhausted. I still ‘feel’ broken. I’m going to read my psych my post tomorrow. Hopefully she can help. Plus I have a list of the rest of the stuff from the last 2 weeks. 

I did manage to get through work safely, only just though. I did a couple of really stupid things. Dangerous things. Just from being so tired and worn down. 

I did spend a couple of minutes a few times looking at the stars and the moon. When I look at the stars I think of you camping. I think of you in shorts and a T-shirt with bare feet on the grass especially when I’m looking at the Milky Way. I don’t know why I do that! It does bring me so comfort though especially when I’m struggling 

Thanks for the cat pics!! 

Hope you are having a great break. 

[rav3n]

hey @Captain24! how are you going? 😊

glad you got through work safely. it's scary when dangerous things happen due to tiredness, i'm guessing your sleep's been pretty rough still?

[Captain24]

Hey @rav3n 

Im really struggling, pretty badly. 

Everything is getting to me. It’s really really stupid but I feel like crying because my washing was nearly dry and it has started to rain. I did get it off the line in the rain so it shouldn’t really be a big deal but in my head right now it’s huge. That’s what I’m feeling like. The most minor thing is pushing me over the edge. 

My sleep was a little better on nightshifts but I was just so tired from not sleeping that it just wasn’t enough. I nearly feel asleep while driving my truck on Saturday night, then nearly fell asleep driving home. 

TW: traumatic event, heavy thoughts

Content/trigger warning

Last night one of the dangerous things was pretty bad but not life threatening, I probably would have lost my job. But the other, if the dozer operator hadn’t been so on top of it I would have died. My front wheels came off the ground and I really thought they were going to come over the top and roll the truck backwards. While I don’t care whether I’m alive or not, I don’t want my death to be on anyone else’s hands. A lot of people would have suffered.  

[rav3n]

@Captain24 oh wow, that sounds pretty intense and scary! a lot to process. glad you've got your psych appt tomorrow, defs worth bringing it up with her. were you able to debrief the incident at work, do they offer that sort of support?

omg same thing happened to me yesterday, just put out a load of washing and then rain! it's so so annoying when little things like these go wrong, so it just adds to the overall frustration hey. is there anything that helps you feel calm and grounded again? 

p.s. i've just added a spoiler tag/TW to your post 😊 hope that's okay!

[Captain24]

Sorry @rav3n. I didn’t realise I said anything wrong. I’m sorry.

No one knows about it. Just me and the other operator and we didn’t speak to each other about it as neither of us would have put it over the 2 way. I’m sure I scared him too. I think he knew I was scared because after that I was really slow at the tip head every time. If I had have gone over he would have had to deal with it. I’m not stressed over it as it’s part of the job and I was safe in the end and that’s all we care about out. It did make me more alert though! 

I don’t know.. the littlest thing is getting to me and all I’m doing is sitting on the lounge. I just don’t have anything in me. My tank is so empty that it’s just dust. 

I don’t know if this makes any sense but I’m so mentally and physically depleted that I am 1000% safe. I just don’t have the strength to consider anything. 

[Bow]

That’s actually really distressing to read. Sounds like you shouldn’t really be at work at the moment 

[Captain24]

Sorry @Bow. I didn’t mean to distress you. I really didn’t. 

I should have pulled up when I got so tired. It was my own fault but it did give me a huge reality check. This is way fatigue matters. I did go and have a toilet break and a smoke so I was out in the cold air for 5 minutes. 

[rav3n]

@Captain24 you didn't say anything 'wrong' at all! sometimes near misses can be heavy, and i know your phone doesn't have the spoiler tag options so i thought i'd be extra safe and add it in. 😊

oh that's tough, sounds like there wasn't a proper opportunity to address it. wake-up calls like that are scary, but i am glad you were both more alert afterwards. does your work offer EAP counselling or similar? are you able to take sick leave to rest up? 

it's understandable that your tank is empty, especially after a night like that! what helps you recharge, naps? watching tv? chilling on the lounge? i know you like being productive and getting things done, but you also very much deserve rest!! so pls do rest up 💙

[Captain24]

Thank you @rav3n 

I don’t go back to work until Friday now. So I have a couple of days off. I don’t really need any support around it. I work in a highly dangerous industry and things can happen and have happened. It was just a near miss. 

My tank was already empty which is what lead to it. If I had have has sick leave left I wouldn’t have been there. I was not fit for work. 

I haven’t been recharging just pushing myself. I need help to stop doing that. I need some way to reword my brain for me to know that being productive is not the best all and end all. I’m sitting on the lounge and am beating myself up for not being out the back mowing my lawn. It just has to stop. 

I could really do with a sleep I think. But I need to feed the dogs in a while so it’s best to just stay up. I can’t do resin as I have to concentrate and that’s just impossible at the moment. I guess I could go and iron my washing and then that would be done. I don’t have the concentration for Lego either.  I guess I could turn the tv on and see if I am able to focus on it. I don’t know what else to do that’s recharging.